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Back Up

 Decided that I really needed to update this thing... Hello again, I have moved to my little island, and am doing rather well o.O aaaand i'm really not in the writing mood, so i suppose that i shall update laters :D

later lovers, 

Step 1

I'm moving.


Coffee is made like this

put a filter in, put in a scoop of ground beans, put the other filter on top, close the lid, fill up the pot with four cups of water, poor that into the machine, place the pot in it's little are under the machine, press the default start button.

Wait about ten minutes.

pour the coffee into a large mug, add two small spoonfuls of sugar, if you're not feeling up to black.

Wait for it to cool.

then drink.


I don't know what's wrong with me, i keep getting in deeper and deeper and i don't know how to get out because it's what i want, but i'm just not sure about it no, not it 'myself' 'that one' and i'm never angry at the world, never have been. Always been angry at myself. I *hate* myself sometimes. i do i do i do i do i do i do.

And don't anybody dare tell me not to.

I've been called wise for my age, i've been told that i've been given an old soul. I mean, I can't talk about normal 18 year old things. I just don't care. In Junior high i was ready for high school, and in high school i was ready for college, and now i'm ready to fall into place of a normal life, day to day, i want a steady job (even if it's art) and i want to have a house and build it and live in it and grow things and people in it. My whole life i've been against this. But i want it. I want it now.

I can't be a normal young adult, i just don't know *how* i don't know how to relate or to be. I keep trying and trying but it just doesn't feel right, i'm ready to move on.

and i feel like i'm thirty

and i want to be gone from here, where i am, in another town, another state, with one person who loves me and i love them. Wonder why i didn't have much of a love life in HS? I didn't want just a little romance.. i've always wanted more, and is that wrong? To want a commitment? It's hard finding it among people in my age range i know that. Who besides me is into that kind of thing?

So what do I do?

I don't know.... i just don't know.

i wish i had an older mind to tell me what i should be doing. Not my parents.

Dad: Well you should wait until you finish school

Feminist mother: It's better to live in sin than commit yourself to one person your whole life.

and all of this is a morning ramble god i fucking hate myself for even typing this instead of getting ready.

Ready for what?

The winds have changed. It's time to move, it's time to leave, very very soon. I might go crazy if i don't.

All I know is that I've been in the same place for 8 years and it's all going to change soon i think. i don't know how or when or why or what, but *something* is going to happen, whether good or bad.

And do I honestly care?

sometimes i think so. But I want to take a risk. For gods sake I want to take a fucking risk. I want to step off the cliff and see if i fly.

dive into the ocean and see if i can breathe.

and i wish that someone would slap me in the face. i really really really do.

wake me up before i go crazy here inside this house. these walls are pushing in on me, and my mind is limited. it's no wonder i don't do shit. it's no wonder i'm like i am.


night folks


Little Bird

A little bird began to build it's nest in a little tree in a very safe backyard.

Every morning the bird would wake with the sun and go picking for worms. She went about her daily visit until she noticed a figure standing in a doorway in the near by house.

It must have been love at first sight, if such a thing can happen to birds.

Soon the man began providing seed for the little bird to eat, and even began building a little house for her to stay in.

Everyday the bird's trust for the man grew, stronger and stronger and she slowly began moving closer and closer to the house. Finally the day came when the man offered the bird shelter in his home. A storm was coming. He wanted her to be safe.

The bird was not sure. The house seemed large and dark, almost like it would eat her. But she closed her eyes and, nervous and slightly scared, jumped into the man's hand, trusting him, but unsure and was lead into his house.



what am I doing?


Pretty in Pink - Almost Lovers

So fill up the engine and light the fire a kindling has begun for the mouse with a blue, cotton spun skirt and wire glasses. It was a bit of a mess, you know, skirt catching fire and glasses melting. not pleasant.

It was a minx, dressed pretty in a soft, pink leather jacket. Now, it is seen fairly well how this would end.


Flame dancing.

Melted eyes.

It's no wonder the mouse was soon claimed as the dreaded, 'almost lover' lol

well come on people, it's 4:39am what more do you want? good quality poetry?

I don't work that way. Musings yes.

But the mouse was still burned by the minx's pink jacket.

depressing i must say, it was a good little mouse.

But as for me:
- One project is turning out very well

- another going slowly

- one is crumbling

- One is happening, but unexpected

- three more have been abandonded

- another one i'm starting


and back to the mouse's grave.

The minx visits every day, to say hello, but the mouse does not respond.

obviously, since the mouse is dead.


I've come out of a writers block but almost immeadiatly was thrown back towards it.

I need more meditation, more focus, more exploration of the vision.


the mouses coffin is made of black glass.

The minx is sad.



- black

- glass

- match

- breath

- want

- dream

- night


The minx was lonely as it left the grave each day.

The mouse was lonely as the minx left each day.



- night

- mare

- cold

- warm

- safe

- marriage

- children

- sad

- hurt

- frustration


Projects are going slowly, I'm going slowly. I need to suck someone's energy, anyone want to donate?



- older

- hotter

- sweeter


The minx left it's jacket on the grave and left, cold but not lonely.

The mouse was happy.


I can't believe I can lose it so quickly, pick it up, then lose it so quickly. Makes sense, then crumbles.


5:01am and 5:01pm are two beautiful times



- neglect

- lost

- passion


And the minx's coat, though left with good intentions, burned to grave down.

The mouse was sad.

The minx was blissfully ignorant.


good night folks. Sometimes it's good to burn away the darkness with a light, but other times you've got to find your way out on your own.

Pin drop and goodnight lovers,


DYED HAIR lol exciting isn't it?


Well this is 'cause M is apparently bored XDD and yes, these were taken in the bathroom. The lighting in my room sucks lol and yes... just dyed my hair burgundy lol

Reprise? Yup Yup no sense is made here

So painting.

Half of one needs to be painted

Another full one is only outlined.

Both need to be finished by Thursday.

I'm a bit stressed, which is why I'm typing this. 'cause I haven't been stressed for almost two months. I'm reacting differently, better this time i think than last time, where I freaked out and exploded on the closest people possible. I feel bad for that now. It's my deal, I need to put up with it in my own way.

I'm not really resorting to old methods, which is good. I'm just scared. Very scared. Irrationally scared.

But that's just words. You know, the feeling where your chest is almost compressing, your muscles are tight, and your stomach churns. Your head pounds and, if you're odd, you just want to sob. Even if you don't cry. Or you feel like screaming. Just so much tension inside that you feel like punching a brick wall.

If I broke my hand, then I wouldn't have to paint.

Then again, that's horribly juvenile and seriously... I don't have the money to pay for something as stupid as that.

Truthfully, I just really want to have a dance party right here in my room. :( SOMEONE HAVE A DANCE PARTY WITH ME! it's no fun by yourself... and I'd go take a walk if i didn't think that I'd like, get raped or something (exciting neighborhood, huh?)

And I'm drinking coffee to keep up energy for probably an all night paint session, but taking pain killers to help the stupid pain in my foot and help my muscles relax. How messed up is that?

Anyway, what i want to do is get some giant paper and throw paint at it. I want to scream by a river, I want to throw a secret bottle into the ocean, I want to run down the middle of a freeway, stand high above the world and almost fall, set some books on fire, join hands with a bunch of people and play 'Ring around the Roses', duck-tape a tree and staple advertisements to it, speed down a road to the middle off nowhere and have a singing guitar circle, chase after a rainbow in a storm....

I want to fly to a place where I can't understand the language, stack glass cups and then push them to the ground, dance in front of a million people, write a play, have people act in it, perform for a million people....

I want to run away, start over, shine, make it. I want to make it, use this passion in my heart... it's useless where I am.

I want to build something tall and grand, make a person out of cardboard.... write and draw and paint and build and smash and sing and play and dance and run and run and run and run...

I don't want to make money, I want to share... I want to share what I make, I want to make them smile, make them happy, make them *see* the magic in this dull dull world.

This gray world...

See the color see the passion. I want to teach them to find *their* passion.

I haven't disappeared I promise, I've just been misplaced. Forgive me, I still love you. I miss you. I really really miss you a lot.

And the only mask I'm wearing is this one that says I'm scared. It's not me, but I believe it as much as you. I'm terrified. SO so scared. I shouldn't be, but I am. And I need your help... you already know that.. that I respect you...

So let me stand high above the world, my arms open wide. I'll spin a riddle for you, just to try. I'll throw out the threads, i'll set out the clues, and no one can solve it, no one but you.

You know who you are, I know who I am, it'll take forever, but I'll be damned.. if you don't figure this out, then i might cry, so whoever you are, you'd better try.

And this is the end of my stress journal, I'm feeling better, i think XDD thanks for listening, if your still reading

Time for more painting weeeeeeeeeeeeee




So I took the Australian wine from the fridge when nobody else was home.

And I spoke with my friend.

To calm me down.

To stop what I knew I needed to do.

'cause you know... a knife won't work, and pills won't either.

That's what you keep telling me, that's what you always say. You makes so much sense, and I love you for that. You put in words what I know I should say. If you were beside me, you'd hold my hands. I know you would, 'cause that's just who you are.

But you're words distracted me, and the wine calmed me down, and I was dizzydizzydizzy, but so much more sane.

You left, so you could sleep, dreamer dreamer, and then I crashed to sleep but was soon awoken by a clueless friend.

A clueless friend of six years.

How does that happen?

How can eyes that know the others not see the pain. Unless she never cared to look.

Or I never cared to share.

But I'll share with you my vampire, my own little vamp. With letters, with words.

I've seen your smile, but you don't know mine.

and that's how it will stay, won't it. Because that's how it should stay.

Because that's how it needs to be...

But I wish for something more. You know I do, I know you do as well.

Forever dude, forever gone.

Muffin Hour for Sale

Anyone want my endless muffin hours? 'Cause, quite honestly? This one person muffin hour with my cat every night is just not working out for me. I would put Dante out in the hallway except for my favorite line from my parents, 'You want him, then the litter box goes in your room, and he sleeps in your room.'

That and the fact that if I shut him out of my room he'll wail and wail until I let him in. He just... can't be separated from me or he goes nuts.

I'm honestly tired of the claws, and super active night spaz. I'm tired of having to pull heavy covers over myself in the dead of summer so that he won't like, attack my face. But the real fact, oh the real fact is that I'm just so tired. I haven't slept for three weeks. I've *tried* calming him down, I've *tried* keeping him busy during the day. But I have work. I have writing, art, and the remaking of my room, not to mention classes and a bunch of other things during the day. I *can't* spend the whole time playing with him, and nobody else in this house'll help.

The fact of the matter is that I'm just straight up whining. I can get rid of Dante. I can send him off to my grandmothers house or the pound any time. But see... no. See I *love* this dammed spaz that jumps at my face in the middle of the night. I can't even think what life would be like without my spazy brat. ('cause he is the definition of a brat -_-)

I would just like to sleep so so bad. Like, I feel like crying I'm so tired (and for those of you who know me... i don't cry very often...) just... man. One more reason to never have kids. The kitten is bad enough. I mean, I didn't even have to give birth for it. Kids are like... ten times as worse. Granted, little babies don't have claws and pointy teeth, but, you know. Pretty much way way worse. Dante at least knows how to use his litter box, and that's simple.

So why, might you ask, am I sitting here and typing this instead of tiring out Dante? I don't know. My answer is that twenty-one muffin hours in a row kind of make a persons brain start to fizz....

and if you're still reading this then congrats to you. It means that I didn't start typing just like, babble. And if you've ever spoken to me when it's been really late before, then you know I don't exactly use english... even though to *me* it seems completely right.

Anyway, it's muffin hour, i'm tired, and Dante is meowing 'cause i apparently am not giving him enough attention.


and yes. it's muffin hour, and i'm sad because everyone else is asleep and instead of speaking to people i'm learning how to speak cat. Someone please *please* come and commiserate with me. *prays*

<.< >.>


Anyone there?



well maybe i'll try again. maybe i'll try sleeping again. and scaring dante with bubbles and pillows. maybe he'll retreat into the closet.

well now that im stairting to lose my grammart and spelling probably, i think i'll finish this journal theres nothing left that i can say it is what it is.





Good night lovers, i'll see you all later,